The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
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I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
That’s easy for you to say
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.