Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
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establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.