Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
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Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.