The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
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LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”