I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
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whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
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Me: Same
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows