A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
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Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.