HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
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1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
This could’ve been an email.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
peep davidson
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute