It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
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Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*