I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
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if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.