VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
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Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.