If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
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Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.