Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
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Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
the short answer to this question
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.