me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
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An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog