dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
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Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.