awkward
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If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I know
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Stop being racist to kettles.