Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
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I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd