The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
This is me 🤣🤣
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers