Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
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My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?