Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
You Might Also Like
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Seals are just dog mermaids.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally