Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
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ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Bobby pin
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.