Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
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My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.