[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
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My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.