Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
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five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?