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Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.