WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
You Might Also Like
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
When I said I liked it rough.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.