4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
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Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Hmm, not sure about this change
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break