How we blocked people in the 90s π
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Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says itβs within walking distance.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: TouchΓ©
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesnβt care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Dennyβs parking lot, youβre on my side, right?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I am 5β3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6β4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, Iβd love to see their electric bill