On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
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I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I get distracted pretty eas
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
58.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair