The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
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Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?