I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
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My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I was bored.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.