I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
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Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.