Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
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I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
i will not be silenced
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.