The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
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Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?