maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
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It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER