Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
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Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Help Wanted
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
This is my emotional support knife.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed