Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
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My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
went fishing caught a bass
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.