Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
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This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣