my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
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dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
My blood type is coffee.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
accurate
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.