Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
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Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
My first son he is wonderful
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
you stereotypes are all alike
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*