my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
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life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?