[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
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‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.