Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
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Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????