You Might Also Like
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
She was rare, like a goth jogging
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.