Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
You Might Also Like
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.