Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
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Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired