Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
You Might Also Like
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
#oldknees
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind