Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
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Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this