so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
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Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?