Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
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Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
accurate
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.