“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
You Might Also Like
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
So sick of all these stupid rules
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.